Oh this is such an important piece! Two things resonate… how hard is capable woman find it to be vulnerable and ask for help (which I eventually learned thankfully as I was dying for the lack of it) and how everyone lands in our shoulders. I work as a coach for women in midlife, based in Ireland, and so, so, so many of my clients are caught up in the belief they have to be all things to all people before they can be something to themselves… thanks for sharing this…
Thanks so much for this Alana. It's really interesting to hear your perspective and how your very important work with women confirms what I am seeing too in women I have spoken to. As much as I describe the 'capable woman' as endemic, I do wonder if another word could be an 'epidemic' - a generational one, passed from mother to daughter?
So much of of it cultural for sure…. I really see our generation as the ones to try and break the cycle and offer a better narrative to our daughters 😅
Boys and men are brought up to be self centered in terms of single-mindedness focusing on their careers and ambitious, while delegating any tedious domestic responsibilities to the women around them. Women's own careers and ambitious are still regarded as selfish indulgences. As women we need to say "no" and throw the ball back into their court, until the penny drops. We need to reject the notion that we're men's enablers while they don't consider our needs and entitlements. There are some enlightened men who try to do their best, but they're in the minority. This behaviour is so ingrained that most men aren't even conscious of it. Their sense of entitlement needs to be questioned to make them aware.
Many thanks Sue. There is indeed so much ingrained in both of the sexes from how we are raised and what expectations are placed on us all. So much compassion is needed to navigate through what at times are exasperating structures that seems to keep us all separated out into defined roles. In my own life, I am very fortunate to have had some excellent male role models who have shown my how, although they may not be conscious of things in the way many of us women are, they are often conscious of it in a different way, and how we can reach towards one another and meet on it is truly transformational. But there continues to be an ingrained imbalance in the different ways that boys and girls are socialised from birth which I feel underpins so much of this.
Thanks for sharing this Amanda, I really appreciate knowing this resonates with you. I love the phrase 'unlearning' too, as that is what it feels like. A deep excavation! Grá mór xx
I have three younger brothers and my mother told me a few years ago that she raised me to be independent and look after myself. I asked what about the lads and she said it was more important for me!! She is herself the capable, eldest daughter and so the cycle continues with me. Such an interesting and relatable read.
This is fascinating Orla. You are not the only woman I've heard something similar from. I do feel that much of this 'capable person' archetype is something that seems to come down through the mother line; we really are raised into it!
Meant to say everything lands on our shoulders!
And this poem, Boy, by Marie Howe says something to your point too (not at all my experience I should add) https://readalittlepoetry.com/2011/01/09/the-boy-by-marie-howe/
Oooph, the last line of that poem! Thank you for sharing this with me.
Oh this is such an important piece! Two things resonate… how hard is capable woman find it to be vulnerable and ask for help (which I eventually learned thankfully as I was dying for the lack of it) and how everyone lands in our shoulders. I work as a coach for women in midlife, based in Ireland, and so, so, so many of my clients are caught up in the belief they have to be all things to all people before they can be something to themselves… thanks for sharing this…
Thanks so much for this Alana. It's really interesting to hear your perspective and how your very important work with women confirms what I am seeing too in women I have spoken to. As much as I describe the 'capable woman' as endemic, I do wonder if another word could be an 'epidemic' - a generational one, passed from mother to daughter?
So much of of it cultural for sure…. I really see our generation as the ones to try and break the cycle and offer a better narrative to our daughters 😅
Boys and men are brought up to be self centered in terms of single-mindedness focusing on their careers and ambitious, while delegating any tedious domestic responsibilities to the women around them. Women's own careers and ambitious are still regarded as selfish indulgences. As women we need to say "no" and throw the ball back into their court, until the penny drops. We need to reject the notion that we're men's enablers while they don't consider our needs and entitlements. There are some enlightened men who try to do their best, but they're in the minority. This behaviour is so ingrained that most men aren't even conscious of it. Their sense of entitlement needs to be questioned to make them aware.
Many thanks Sue. There is indeed so much ingrained in both of the sexes from how we are raised and what expectations are placed on us all. So much compassion is needed to navigate through what at times are exasperating structures that seems to keep us all separated out into defined roles. In my own life, I am very fortunate to have had some excellent male role models who have shown my how, although they may not be conscious of things in the way many of us women are, they are often conscious of it in a different way, and how we can reach towards one another and meet on it is truly transformational. But there continues to be an ingrained imbalance in the different ways that boys and girls are socialised from birth which I feel underpins so much of this.
Resonates a lot … though over the past decade have been doing a lot of “unlearning” in this regard
Thanks for sharing this Amanda, I really appreciate knowing this resonates with you. I love the phrase 'unlearning' too, as that is what it feels like. A deep excavation! Grá mór xx
I have three younger brothers and my mother told me a few years ago that she raised me to be independent and look after myself. I asked what about the lads and she said it was more important for me!! She is herself the capable, eldest daughter and so the cycle continues with me. Such an interesting and relatable read.
This is fascinating Orla. You are not the only woman I've heard something similar from. I do feel that much of this 'capable person' archetype is something that seems to come down through the mother line; we really are raised into it!
The eldest / only girl here in a family of boys, nodding my head as I read.
Glad to know I'm capturing the essence of something you know (it's a hard one to articulate!)