Some happenings

Events, reading groups and illness

Scroll to end for some news on an event I’ll be speaking at in Co. Down on the 30th August, an idea I want to run by you and access to a talk I gave on ‘Tight Culture’

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I have been taking a bit of a rest from Substack and social media these last few weeks. Deleted all related apps off my phone, logged out of various accounts, tried to break the automatic ‘open Instagram’ habit my thumb engages in on contact with my phone — you know the usual.

Coming into July, I had felt a yearning for quiet. Considering I live in the middle of the Welsh countryside, where my busiest, loudest neighbours are the swallows and the bumble bees, I knew the noise wearing me out could only have been coming from inside my own head. Cutting out the hum-drum of the wider world seemed essential — I wanted to feel my thoughts were my own again, not those planted there by what I read on a 16:9 screen.

I had envisioned late July into August, these last few weeks, as a time to think and write. A time to really go deep into the book I am writing based on the interviews with Women of Ireland. To look at the few hundred thousand words I’ve already written — that still are not the right book, still do not capture the feelings I want to evoke or quite yet tell the story I know is the one that should be told— and reflect.

I wanted the space to figure out the path forward, and try and calm the turmoil and self-doubt I feel about this whole writerly life nearly every day.

Except, of course, ‘the best laid plans often go awry’.

I got the ol’ C-19.

Mild, thankfully. But the tiredness that consumed me was enough that I had no choice but to ‘take to the bed’. Perfect time for reflection but instead of cozy, calm, whimsical thinking, I numbed out over-consuming Netflix and becoming an armchair expert in a variety of Olympic sports (who knew synchronised diving could be so satisfying to watch!).

Today is the first day (in two weeks) that I’ve felt somewhat like my self. I feel the tendrils of some solidness in my body — maybe today will be the first day I’ve not had to take an (very uncharacteristic) afternoon nap?

I’m relieved that my energy has not completely abandoned me (I was getting worried there for a while) and the temptation is there to immediately throw myself back in to work, full bore, and catch-up on these ‘lost’ weeks.

But my gut instinct says no. That it’s not time to come out of the cocoon. I’m not strong enough yet and, above all, I’ve not fully dealt with the feelings of ‘noise’ and ‘inner turmoil’ that drove me to the point of wanting a slower, switched-off month in the first place.

You see, I’ve been struggling with a lot of self-doubt for a while (about my writing, my focus). So insidious that if Covid hadn’t drained me of energy, it would have done the job. It’s no wonder that my body called a halt to all activity — it had well and truly had enough. It needed a time-out.

And, in all honesty, as much as I’ve hated it — hated this feeling of pathetic exhaustion — it has been a gift. The self-doubt still plagues me, my confidence in my ability to write and create what I want remains low, but there is a burgeoning calmness beginning to show beneath. A quiet, mouse-like voice that says ‘you can do this’, that some days shines brightly enough to block the one that screams about my ineptitude.

Two things have also helped.

1. I asked for help: I signed myself up for a book mentoring session with

   Ruth Allen
   last week. To have someone read my work and affirm my feelings about how I think I need to change things and the form I’m thinking of taking the book going forward (but doubted!!) was so comforting. Especially when they are as enthusiastic and fastidious in their feedback as Ruth. It was a timely reminder that, as much as I try to go it alone, it’s better when I don’t.

2. I lost a publishing competition: Back in January, I learned of an open submission competition for a book deal being run by a London-based publishing house in conjunction with an Agency. The winner would get a book-deal, a nice advance and representation with an agent (isn’t that just the dream!). I had three days before the deadline to put together a book proposal and prepare some sample chapters, so I wasn’t expecting much of my last-minute efforts. Then, at the end of last month, I received an email from the publisher. In absolute disbelief I read that, although my submission had not been selected as the winner, it had been shortlisted in the top three! The idea that some people sat around a desk somewhere in London and decided between The Women of Ireland Project book and two others blew me away. I’ve never been so happy in my life to be told I’d ‘lost’. It was a huge boost of confidence —an external validation that what I am doing is heading in the right direction— at a time I needed it most.

I feel like I’ve been through something, these last few weeks — and it’s not just Covid. It’s like I’m taking a big breath before the final plunge. And maybe, considering it’s the season of Lughnasa — the time of harvest and celebration— I was being forced to do the one thing I hate doing; stopping for a while and remembering all that I have achieved (harvesting) not flaggelating over what is still yet to be done (although, I’ve done a lot of that too).

But until I feel ‘ready to launch’ again, please expect my writing on this platform and in your inbox to remain sporadic for the immediate future.

Open Sky Thinking, Glendalough, Wicklow, Ireland

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Some happenings:

1. ‘Join me for Chowder and a Chat’:

Friday, 30th August, 6:45 to 9pm, Donaghadee, Co, Down:

The excellent Sharon of @MachaWorkshops has invited me to speak about The Women of Ireland: Why we do the things we do in a lovely intimate event on the beautiful Ards Peninsula in the North-East of Ireland.

Hosted by Bridewell Coffee and Provisions, you’ll get to enjoy a lovely, warming bowl of chowder while I chat about my journey with the Women of Ireland Project, things I’ve learned from the women I’ve interviewed, and the hidden ways we’ve been shaped by Ireland’s cultural and social forces.

2. A Women of Ireland Project Reading Group?

Would you be interested in joining an (online) reading group?

I’ve been toying for a while with the idea of hosting a monthly or bi-monthly reading group focusing on some of the research I’ve discovered over the years, on e.g. women in Irish history and socio-cultural theories and concepts.

Think reading papers (academic, yes, but I’ll choose the interesting, readable ones) rather than books, and then discussing how we found them and what they made us feel in a group setting.

Let me know your thoughts in the poll below (just trying to gain an idea of numbers at the moment, don’t worry, you won’t be signing up to anything yet), or send me a message via the below link (or click ‘reply’ if you receive this via email)

3. The Ghost of Tight Culture Past: Exploring the Impact of Cultural Tightness in the life histories of Women of Ireland

The concept of ‘Tight Culture’ has been hugely influential in my work here with the Women of Ireland Project. It explains that cultures which have experienced high levels of historical threat tend to develop strict social norms and demonstrate a low tolerance for those who deviate from those norms. Those who do deviate are disciplined by shaming, slagging, teasing, negative judgement and even ostracising or physical punishment.

As one person said when I first began writing about it, “It explains so much, if not everything, about Ireland”.

Last year, as part of the Discourse Research Network of Ireland’s Summer Seminar Series, I gave a talk on how this concept is particularly relevant to the experience of Women of Ireland, and how ‘the ghost’ of Ireland’s tight culture past continues to strongly influence and shape women today.

It is now (finally) available to watch online: