What's your family climate?
Growing up, how did your family communicate?
Did you get into deep debates around the kitchen table? Could you share your thoughts and feelings? Or did you ‘keep quiet’ and ‘keep things to yourself’? Could you broach any topic or were some things ‘not for children’s ears’ or very much out of bounds?
If you asked questions, did your parents or guardians explain things or did you get closed, one-word answers; ‘that’ll do ya’?
Did you feel you could make choices or decisions independently, or were your family’s views and opinions important? If you didn’t conform to the family norm, were you left to get on with it or encouraged, or were you teased and slagged, or maybe even shamed?
Families are a unique and complex thing. As a child, maybe you noticed that your friends’ families did things differently, that they had different rituals and routines, rules and expectations, and norms and values to yours. Perhaps you loved the freedom of expression enjoyed around the table at one friend’s house —where you could say anything— or maybe you felt like you had to be on your best behaviour at another’s, watching your words and not mentioning anything too risqué.
At the core of all these differences are family communication patterns — the family climate (i.e. the prevailing norms of interaction), defined by how a family falls on two dimensions: conversation orientation and conformity orientation.
Conversation orientation:
“Conversation orientation is defined as the degree to which families create a climate in which all family members are encouraged to participate in unrestrained interactions about a wide array of topics”
If, growing up, you spent a lot of time spontaneously interacting with other family members, talked about lots of different topics, and felt free to openly share your thoughts and feelings and express your opinions, then your family communication pattern likely falls on the high end of the conversation orientation.
If, on the other hand, you didn’t feel you could chat openly with your family about your thoughts or feelings, or you felt there were certain topics that were ‘out-of-bounds’, ‘private’, or not open to discussion, then your family would be at the low of the conversation orientation dimension.
In day-to-day life, families with a high conversation orientation talk together a lot and openly share their personal thoughts and feelings, while families with a low conversation orientation are more constrained in their communication, talk with one another less often and don’t discuss things openly.
How family decisions are made is also affected by where a family falls on this dimension. High conversation orientation families plan and discuss family activities and decisions together, with each member’s input and view looked for. While in low conversation orientation families, activities are not discussed in much detail and decisions are made without everyone’s input.
“Families high in conversation orientation share much about individual thoughts and feelings and are characterised by high levels of interaction; families low in conversation orientation interact less frequently and discuss fewer topics openly” (Keating, 2016).
Conformity Orientation
“Conformity orientation refers to the degree to which family communication stresses a climate of homogeneity of attitudes, values and beliefs”
If you grew up in a family where you were expected to embrace and behave according to the values, beliefs and expectations set out by your family, then you likely grew up in a family with a high conformity orientation. Whereas if you grew up in a family where a diversity of beliefs, attitudes, values and behaviours between different family members were tolerated and encouraged then your family would fall at the low end of conformity orientation.
In a high conformity orientation family, children are expected to ‘do as they are told’ (be obedient to senior family members), conflict is avoided at all costs (achieved by members conforming to family expectations) and a high level of emphasis is placed on the interdependence of family members (i.e. family relationships take precedence over relationships outside the family, and family interests are more important than personal). You could say that high conformity orientation families are the typical ‘traditional’ family; hierarchical and cohesive, where what the ‘family says goes’.
On the other hand, in a low conformity orientation family, interactions between members focus on the individuality and independence of different family members; there is space for different views, behaviours and beliefs — not everyone is expected to agree or conform with each other. Such families are often seen as ‘less traditional’ in that they are less cohesive and hierarchical, personal space is highly valued and family interests rarely take precedence over personal growth and individual interests.
If you grew up with a strong sense that you had to do what your family expected of you, or you were instilled with the importance of protecting family reputation, you probably come from a family with a high conformity orientation. But, if you grew up feeling it was okay to do things that differed to other family members, or you didn’t feel an expectation to behave in a certain way, you probably came from a family with a low conformity orientation.
“Families high in conformity orientation typically avoid conflict, value harmony, and emphasise holding the same attitudes and beliefs; children in high conformity families are typically obedient to their parents. Families low in conformity orientation typically promote holding independent attitudes and beliefs and the individuality, autonomy and equality of all family members” (Keating, 2016).
Every family is different; different in its make-up, its expectations, its values and its behaviours, and each has its own way of doing things, its own unique culture. Most of us learn this the hard way when we move in with and live with people outside of our family for the first time. Suddenly, you are forced to recognise that what you’ve always thought of as a ‘normal’ thing to do at home, or the ‘proper’ way to do something can be very different to the people you live with.
But learning other people’s way of doing things is often less challenging than trying to navigate what happens when a bunch of people who have grown up with different communication patterns get thrown together in the one household and have to figure out how to get along and deal with the conflicts that inevitably arise. Whether you are the one pushing your housemate’s (or partner’s) dirty dishes to the side to wash up your own, or the person pinning a shared household duties rota on the fridge door, or just coming straight out with what’s bugging you, has a lot to do with the type of family climate you grew up in.
And there is a good amount of research to suggest that most families can be characterised as one of four different types, or family climates, depending on where that family falls on the conversation and conformity dimensions:
Pluralistic families are high on conversation orientation but low in conformity orientation. Family members feel free to discuss pretty much any topic openly with one another and parents encourage children to make their own decisions. Parents are interested in their children's opinions and family decisions involve all family members. Conclusions reached are based more on the merit of an individual’s argument rather than whether all family members agree.
Consensual families are high on both conversation and conformity orientation. Such families are characterised by a tension between having open discussions, where the opinions of all are valued, and a desire to maintain the traditional parent-child hierarchy. Parents are interested in their children’s views but still believe that, ultimately, decision-making should lie with the parents. To resolve such tensions, parents in a consensual family tend to explain the reasoning behind their decisions in the hope that their children will understand the values and beliefs that underlay them.
Laissez-faire families are low on both conversation and conformity orientation. Conversation in such families typically sticks to a small number of topics, with discussion between family members limited. Parents believe that all family members should be free to make their own decisions but, unlike pluralistic families, take no active interest in the decisions their children make. As a result of limited discussion and limited interest in one another’s decisions, family members tend to be ‘emotionally divorced’ from one another.
Protective families are low on conversation orientation but high on conformity orientation. This means that few topics are open for discussion and family members are expected to conform to family values and beliefs and demonstrate expected behaviours. Children are expected to do as they are told (to be obedient) without explanation of the reasoning behind parental decisions. In addition, as conversation orientation is low, many potential topics of conversation are considered off-limits or private, answers to questions may be brief and discussion may be ended with ‘because I say so’, or ‘you don’t need to know that’.
If I was to picture Irish society as one big family unit, I’d say its climate has long been that of “Protective”. We’re fairly low on conversation orientation — many topics are only just now being taken out of the deep-freeze of ‘taboo’, and the idea of actually saying what’s on your mind (directly, without couching it in a joke) or asking for what you want would be enough to bring most out in a rash of guilt. Ireland is that place of strange contradiction, where we love a good chat and pride ourselves on our ability to converse, but how we actually communicate is tempered by all sorts of hidden rules and expectations around what’s up for discussion and how things are to be discussed — an awful lot is said in the silence.
We learn that there are some topics, that when discussed ‘can upset somebody’, so they’re ‘best left unsaid’.
While people in Ireland are no longer expected to conform to such strict ideals as they were in the past, the ghost of a high conformity orientation remains. Countless Women of Ireland Project participants recount how strongly they feel externally defined expectations (whether that of their family or of society) have shaped much of what they’ve done and why they’ve done it, throughout their lives. For the social cost of not conforming to the norm can be high in Ireland — negative judgement and shame are likely, or worse still, you could be socially punished or even ostracised. All are things that have happened to women I’ve interviewed when they’ve departed from the norm.
If this is the type of societal environment that being ‘of Ireland’ bathes us in, then it’s perhaps not that surprising that many of the women interviewed for this project describe family communication patterns characteristic of a “Protective” family climate. But not all. Definitely not all.
As I continue to analyse and engage deeply with the Women of Ireland project interviews I find myself developing a theory that the family unit can act as either a buffer or conduit to societal norms. With the former, it’s like the family (more specifically an individual’s parents or guardians) stand as a direct barrier to some of the more problematic expectations Irish society has placed on women, tending to encourage or accept non-conformity over conformity:
“I’m really grateful and I’m full of admiration for my parents having done the job that they’ve done with us, in terms of giving us…. space and time…. to figure out life for ourselves…. They never put us under any pressure to stay close to home, and uniquely, all of my siblings and myself, we don’t have children. Never became a mother. And again, I think…. all kinds of gratitude to my parents for never having that expectation on us…. that we were very free to choose if that was relevant to us or not”.
Women of Ireland Project Interview Participant
For others, there is a sense that their parents or guardians brought inside the house or, in the least, reinforced many of the dominant societal expectations placed on women in Ireland. That the family unit was a conduit to things like a deep fear of pregnancy outside marriage, that girls should display high morals and good behaviour (particularly if the only daughter or the eldest), that caring roles are women’s responsibility, and a clear expectation that you need to achieve key life milestones (do well in school, get educated, get a good job, get married, buy a house):
“My mother told me and other people said it to me. They were delighted when they seen daughters come along, because that meant they were going to be looked after. It's a horrible responsibility to put on another human being. So that's what my role was, and my God did I take it on”
Women of Ireland Project Participant
Where a family falls on these two dimensions has been found to influence all sorts of outcomes, from how teenagers form their identity and problem-solve1, to how well children self-regulate and relate to their peers2. In other words, how we communicate to one another really matters, both at home and beyond, and understanding what our default communication style is (the one we grew up with) can be very revealing.
Do and of these family climate types resonate with you?
Noller, P. (1995). Parent-adolescent relationships. In M.A.Fitzpatrick & A.Vangelisti (Eds.), Explaining family interactions (pp. 77–111). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
Burleson, B.R., Delia, J.G., & Applegate, J.L. (1995). The socialization of person-centered communication: Parents’ contributions to their children’s social-cognitive and communication skills. In M.A.Fitzpatrick & A.Vangelisti (Eds.), Explaining family interactions (pp. 34–76). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
I am so glad to have found your substack it is so insightful to the Irish mindset and culture. I can definitely relate to the protective family position that was clearly displayed within my family. I have never seen this model which is an interesting way of defining family dynamics. Looking forward to reading more of your research findings.